Okay, it’s a day after my birthday. (Of course it’s an ageless birthday) And I want to share something with you.
I’m thinking two different occasions, where I talked to two important people in my life, that passed through my life.
1- I was in Turkey back then, still in college, doing an internship in Eczacibasi Baxter, factory, and at nights working at Suada, a fancy island with restaurants and bars. I was using my Honda CBR baby to drive between the two locations in the Istanbul’s crazy traffic. I had my really cool Nolan helmet, that I loved very much.
I met this guy very smart, who I spent a few times, he grew up in USA, and was very open minded. When he introduced me to his friend, “This is Kiraz”, I said to his friend :”Hi, I’m Neslihan, nice to meet you”. (My first name is Neslihan, middle name is Kiraz, I never used my middle name in my life till back then, but when I met this cool guy I introduced myself as Kiraz)
Later he told me, I didn’t want his friend to see me as Kiraz, but Neslihan. I was like Superman, hiding my Kiraz character with a normal looking Clark personality, “Neslihan”. The perfectly invisible Neslihan. I was only showing the real part of me to some specific people, only if I wanted to.
2- Years later, in New York, in a wine bar that I was working as a bartender, a guy wants a weird drink, with a weird accent (Australian) became a good friend, not the one you talk all the time.. Maybe once a year or even less, but you know your souls are connected.
He told me his story, to give me an idea, so maybe I’ll give you an idea 🙂
He was studying to be a doctor in psychology and whenever the topic was about childhood, parents, etc, with friends, he’d make jokes and so, wouldn’t really answer anything. His friends started calling him “Alan” or something whenever he did ran away these topics. At first he was laughing but then when he realized he actually couldn’t talk and really there was a different character, the fun joking all the time, he started crying.. That’s the first time he met him..
He said, when he was a kid, he built up that character, the strong, fun; cause nobody’s childhood is easy, and we build walls between outside worlds to protect us from being hurt or not feeling loved. That walls become us, and very hard to notice. They cover the true self.
His character was Alan. He said, even he faced with him, and said: “Thank you, thank you for being with me all the time, and protecting me, but I don’t need these walls anymore. I will survive myself” and Alan was left; he is never gone completely, sometimes, he feels Alan shows up, my friend just smiles, acknowledge his arrival, but doesn’t let Alan to control him anymore.
So these are the two stories I heard, and told you now. What’s my point? We always hear “be yourself, love yourself, don’t be afraid to be who you really are”. My question, who are we really? Who are you? How do we know? What type of walls come up, when we feel threatened?
I know a bit now, that I build walls between people who gets close to me, who actually looks like care of me or love me.. I keep them away, so I know they won’t be hurting me. If I’m alone, I’m stronger and not vulnerable. How sick it is? How many years it took me to understand that? What do I do now? What we like or dislike.. according to who? The Alan’s or the true selfs?
According to my Australian friend, we’ll always have that side of us. We just need to be aware of us, and see it’s coming, the feeling, the certainty that you need to do that or this, kind of following your pattern; but without judging, or being harsh, let it go.. Make peace. Let that feeling go. You’re okay.
And that somehow brings me to the question, that I can’t stop asking.. what’s the purpose of our lives?
Reading the Homo Sapiens, which the author thinks we’re not much different than animals, and actually we’re a kind of animal, I’m looking outside from the coffee shop in Miami now, watching people, greeting each other, walking, driving, kissing… there is a harmony out there. Birds flying, singing, humans have the dogs as pets, life is evolving without knowing what’s the future will be like, like at all…who can say what’s right or wrong? What if our purpose is, well nothing? Just live your existence? Find your happiness, and find your calling, find your way, and just live it?
Any thoughts people? Mucho love from your Ness, from the coffee shop in Miami 🙂
And happy birthday to me. I asked my mom to tell me the day I was born. She didn’t answer :p